"Locked & Loaded: I Had Surgery"

When I first got re-connected to my now husband, I was coming off of the cusp of an engagement being called off by my college boyfriend and I believed that all men were evil and wanted to only take advantage of love. Yes, I was broken! After being hurt and embarrassed by someone I thought wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, I was angry, bitter, upset and protective. I was protective of my heart, my feelings and my emotions. Believe it or not, during this season of my life, I attended sooooo many weddings because many of my friends were getting engaged and married around the same time. I would attend the wedding, be happy for my friend(s) while I was there, and yet leave feeling hurt that it wasn't my turn. Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever asked GOD, "When will it be MY turn?" Trust me, I've been there beloved and it's human nature to desire GOD to bless you like he blesses those around you.

However, I had to understand that the great part about my new season was that I was able to focus on me and GOD and building a stronger, more intimate relationship with him. My focus turned from planning  a wedding to making sure that I would be ready for the ultimate wedding day when Christ returns for his bride- the church. I fell sooooo in love with Jesus that I realized there was nothing he wouldn't do for me in his timing and in his will. I also learned that guarding my heart was my responsibility. The Bible says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23). Therefore, I really started to study that verse and understand the meaning behind it. I learned that everything we do, our actions, our words, and our thoughts, all flow from our heart. Thus, I came face to face with the fact that it was time for me to do what seemed impossible before. It was time for me to conduct open heart surgery on myself.

I started thinking about everything in my past that caused me to become entangled in relationships. I reflected on the security that I, at times, didn't feel my father provided due to him not being in the home with me. I reflected on all of the unforgiveness that I had towards him in my heart for not always being there or for not always saying what I needed to hear as a little girl growing up seeking identity. I also began to deal with the unforgiveness that I had towards my ex. I dealt with the anger and the hatred towards him, and my heart was instantly broken over my sin.

Beloveds, I have learned that the best way to crawl back into the arms of Jesus is to place your sin up against a HOLY, MATCHLESS GOD. Once I started to reflect on the love of Jesus and how unconditional it is in spite of my "mess," I realized that I had no choice but to fully surrender to him.

Therefore, I gave myself a reality check. In order to become the woman that GOD called for me to be, I had work to do. Additionally, in order for me to be a woman of GOD that the man GOD had for me would even want to pursue, I remembered a phrase from Maya Angelou and realized that I had to ensure that I was so consumed in the word of GOD, and have my heart so close to GOD that the man would have to seek GOD to find me. I began to read my word on a more regular basis, studying the scriptures and meditating on my devotions. I also ensured that I took FULL advantage of my quiet times in the morning with GOD. I praised and I worshipped with my entire heart and mind surrendered to the will of GOD. I worshipped through tears, through pain, through insecurities, through fear, through worry and through doubt. Eventually, I realized that as soon as I had finished worshipping and having a true morning encounter with GOD, I became so "light." My heaviness had literally fallen off of me spiritually and physically. I felt as though burdens had been lifted and my perspective had been aligned with the desires of GOD's heart and his will for my life. Psalm 68:19 says, "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."

I finally realized that in order for me to become the woman GOD called me to be, I had to be totally immersed in HIM and HIS will for my life. Therefore, the more time I spent with GOD, the more I desired him and only the things of him. I prayed and desired for my heart to be broken over sin like his. I also prayed for my desires to line up with his for my life. At that moment, my standards for a spouse were set around who GOD was and who he desired for my life. I knew that my future husband would have to love GOD more than me, meaning his relationship with GOD would have to be so solid that nothing, not even me, could get in the way of his intimacy with the Lord. I also knew that my future husband had to be a leader and be able to lead me spiritually. So no...the guy who just got saved last week wasn't going to work for me. Sorry, sir. I also knew that my future husband would exemplify Christ in his love towards me, his words, his actions and his deeds. Now, don't get me wrong...I know that men are human. Therefore, I wasn't seeking a perfect man because I'm not a perfect woman. Trust me...I am daily reminded of how jacked up I am and how much I need the grace that only comes from the love of Jesus! However, I knew that I wanted a man who desired and strived on a daily basis to be and live like Christ.

For only when you operate and move in the will of GOD will your plans succeed. Proverbs 16:3 says, "Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed." Therefore, I wanted to make sure that I was doing just that! My heart no longer had to be locked and loaded with hurt, anger, pain and bitterness. My heart was now guarded in Christ and in knowing that once he brought me my husband, only HE would be able to give him the key to access my inner being.

Be encouraged beloveds! If you've lived longer than 5 minutes, I'm sure you've experienced hurt, pain, worry, doubt, insecurity and possibly even frustration. But I encourage you to shift your focus. When we keep our eyes on Jesus, his desires, and his will for our lives, and seek to have a personal encounter with him, we leave "light" and we leave with our perspective changed. You don't have to walk around "locked and loaded" like a guard dog ready to bite off the head of anyone who steps close. Engage in open heart surgery today, and surrender it ALL to HIM! I am convinced that you won't leave your encounter with him the same. You'll begin to see yourself reflect him more and more and more!

Live FREE in HIM!